Easter Eggs and God's Presence
Large, thick drops of tears blur my vision. I try to remind myself that this state of hopelessness and confusion shall pass, and I will regain a sense of confidence in the future, grounded in faith. Yesterday the kids and I went to church – accidentally- because we had gone after Easter eggs, truth be told. Yet I felt a little bit of God’s presence while I sat there on that hard chair in the midst of the congregation. The windows were covered, and the lack of natural light bothered me. I wondered why today’s church buildings look more like coffins rather than open spaces filled with light. God said “Let there be light.” And he saw that the light was good, the Bible says.Church was good. And I felt God telling me that He is in control, and all is well. God reminded me to trust Him.
I heard Him deep within my spirit.
Self-Pity and Hope
Yet this morning I awake, and I see holes in my clothes, and I want to go out and buy new clothes for myself and my son, and I cannot, because if I do, where will I find money to pay the rent, the car, the life necessities? And this makes me feel worse because at this point in the journey I should not be still struggling financially. By now, I should have learned economic principles and applied business strategies to keep income flowing into my life on autopilot. I feel as if I have spent too much time building castles in the air, and accomplished nothing.And all I can do now is pray. Pray that God changes me. Pray that I become a woman who fulfills her dreams.
And I feel so sad, I just want to cry all day, hiding under some rock. Then I remember someone said, probably a preacher, that the enemy loves to steal our joy. And I feel the instinct to fight back, and say to sadness, “You will not conquer me. I am a child of the Most High God and I trust His providence. And today we celebrate Easter, which is the date of victory over the enemy of our souls. And I am happy about that!”
So really, at this point in my life I crave financial independence. I crave for true wealth, to be a blessing, that I may prosper as God intends His Children to prosper. For the Bible says so in Psalm 35, verse 27: Let the Lord be magnified, who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.
Wallowing in self-pity, that is what I am doing. Oh God help me, rescue me from myself!
Perhaps I should go out and buy clothes, but that would be utterly irresponsible given the facts of my present financial situation. Perhaps I should stop feeding the materialistic beast that consumes us from within, and realize that, holes or no holes, my son and I have a walk-in closet full of clothes, and gratitude is essential.
I had a crazy idea just now…an idea that is exciting and fills me with hope. What if, for some divine reason, I awoke one of these mornings, logged into my publisher account, and discovered that 500,000 copies of my book sold while I slept the night before? Would this not be as pure magic? What a happy morning that would be! What a dream!
And this is the classic behavior of this writer who has spent her life dreaming. But perhaps one day her dreams will come to pass. Amen.
I have learned. I have worked. I have built. I have kept moving forward to reach the destination I set for myself:
Financial independence earned through the lifework that gives my life purpose and meaning.
An Easter Miracle
As I write these words, I realize the healing power of writing, and I give God thanks for this gift. At least now, I feel none of the misery I felt when I stated writing this Easter morning. I am not crying anymore. I reestablished the connection with the source of hope. Finally, I am able to see beyond my feelings, and remember you, dear reader.
I pray you are well, my beloved sister or brother, and I pray these words have been a blessing to you. I pray you are filled with hope.
I thank God each time He turns our tears into joy.
Happy Easter~
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